During quarantine, I’ve realized I’m not going to take that astrophysics course online and become an astronaut in 90 days.  I probably won’t become fluent in Yiddish or ever cook a five-star meal.  I’m really not doing a great job finding inner peace either.  But I’m good with it.  I”ll continue to do what I’ve been doing well:  serving my son cookies for breakfast, enjoying a biweekly cleaning schedule, and a strict adherence to elasticized waistbands. 

I’ve got this!  And I’ll bet you do too…don’t let anyone tell you differently.  Pretty soon, though, we’ll be leaving the safety of the four walls and reentering society as our states open up.  Not that I’m a role model or anything, but here are some possible strategies for tricky social situations…

When the spouse/significant other coughs, then comes in for a hug or kiss.  This is a tough one.  You care about the person, and they are affectionate.  And, you don’t want to insult them.  The appropriate thing to do here, after asking if they’ve washed their hands, is a quick sidestep.  Then distract them with something like, “Do you smell gas?  Maybe I left the stove on…”  It doesn’t matter in that moment that your stove is electric; what matters is putting some social distance between yourself and the loved one.  We want to be around to enjoy them up close after this pandemic is over.  Unless they have halitosis, then they can check with their medical provider first.  

The friend/neighbor/colleague who gets too close while walking and talking.  So you make plans to do a socially distant walk with a friend, and then that friend is all up in your grill.  Not just within six feet, but within a foot, like quarantine never happened.  A good tactic here is to discreetly step away, but often that causes the friend to step closer to you.  You might want to get a yardstick, and call it a walking stick, and carry it with you.  It could be fun to discover together how far six feet actually is, and maybe mark it with sidewalk chalk.  

If the lack of social distancing continues, you need to get creative.  Possibly suggest wearing Halloween costumes on the next walk, complete with masks.   Kind of a Halloween in May type thing.  Hey, it’s a pandemic; these are strange times anyway!  To create a personal barrier, you might try a tutu or a personal flotation device worn around the waist. If you’re feeling ambitious, try full scuba gear.  If you’re crafty, you can wear one of those barrels with two straps like folks did during the Great Depression.  You get the idea.  

Strangers who are out walking.  This can be dicey – you see them coming toward you, and you only have seconds to consider your strategy.  Five steps, four, three…it’s almost like an adult game of chicken.  Who will blink first and walk around?  On this one, I often use the street cross.  Simple, easy, and effective.  I might even throw in a,  “Oh, look over there – is that a snapping turtle on the side of the road?” to add authenticity to the maneuver.   

Your kids.  And the kids of others.  Yours just kicked the soccer ball to another kid, who is now putting his hands on it.  Something that works for me, because you can’t always trust kids to social distance, is to wear a toolbelt of cleaning products.  Put wipes, hand sanitizer, gloves and extra face masks in the belt.  Always prepared.  Clearly I was a Brownie during the grammar school years.  Got a few badges, too.  But, back to the kids…

Another surefire way to keep kids safe is to referee your child’s neighborhood games.  Wear black and white stripes, a whistle and call timeouts to Lysol the ball after each contact.  The benefit here is that this makes the game much longer and keeps kids occupied.  The risk here is that after a few outings, your child will no longer have anyone in the neighborhood who wants to play with them.  

Store customers.  You have some choices with this one.  When someone is getting close, it’s an awkward social distancing dance. Now might be the time for  a two-step.  I’m not really a country fan,  so I might try a waltz.  An actual waltz clog is a little technical, depending on what shoes you are wearing.  Break dancing isn’t suggested in this situation, as the floor harbors germs.  I definitely wouldn’t recommend doing the Charleston because you could hit your head on the shopping cart.  Save the Hustle or a quick “YMCA” as a last resort.  I suppose a curt nod will do in a pinch.  You could always just graciously give the other person the right of way.  I’m all about living drama-free.  Most of the time, anyway.  Well, for the next five minutes at least.  No promises even on that.

Hairdresser/barber appointment.  None of the above strategies apply here.  This is more of a “Call me, I need an appointment with you the day after yesterday” type of thing.  If your hair needs attention, get that salon number on speed dial.  If snagging an appointment is impossible, don’t feel like you have to be a follower.  Take a stand and grow out your hair and nails for a shot at the Guinness Book of World Records 2020 Edition.  Warning:  there could be stiff competition this year.

Doctor visit.  It’s best not to try practicing social distancing during the exam. Those rooms are small, and if the doctor has to chase you around it, things might get awkward pretty quickly.  Even if they’re coming after you with a needle, it’s best to just get the moment over with.  My friend Paul is a doctor but also an Ironman triathlete.  He certainly doesn’t want extra laundry because he got his white coat dirty sprinting after you with that tongue depressor thing.  Right, we all gag, but talk to the (non-distanced) hand. 

Dental visit.  My friend Jim is a dentist, and he is not going to let patients practice social distancing from that drill.  Although, that noise is like nails on a chalkboard.  And none of this, “I need to wear my mask” during the dental appointment.  Your dentist isn’t buying that and neither am I.  Neither of us actually wants to be there, but work with your dental provider, and you’ll have a brighter smile.  Or an appointment with a periodontist.  Your call.

We know that navigating the new normal will be tricky and awkward.  My advice is to practice patience, wear running shoes to dodge others, and wisely select your social set.  Best of luck with this!  Hey, if all else fails, I think you know that bubbly isn’t going to drink itself…